Serving Breakfast

The Gospel of John ends with a peculiar tale. After Jesus' resurrection, the disciples returned to Galilee. Once there, as could be expected, they went fishing. And after a long night with nothing to show for it they are headed back to shore when someone on the beach suggests they put their nets into the water on the other side of the boat - and as the nets filled, so did their hearts and they saw that it was Jesus. Peter, ever exuberant, jumps into the water and runs to shore to see his beloved Jesus. The rest return in more normal fashion to find that there is bread, and fish cooking on the grill.

I wonder if the disciples thought about the breakfast or if they were so overcome with joy to see the one who had come back to them that the breakfast was merely an afterthought. I wonder if following the "Last Supper" with the "First Breakfast" was intentional symbolism on Jesus' part. One phase of the relationship ends there, with the breaking of the bread, and then begins again as he breaks bread and cooks fish over a charcoal fire. A new day as it were - a breaking of the undesired fast of time apart. I don't know. 

I don't know -  but I love that Jesus wraps his relationships in meals. And I love that in these crazy, busy, over-stuffed days of the 21st century people still sustain their relationships over meals. After too many hurried encounters between friends, someone usually says "Let's grab lunch. Soon!" and after a few failed attempts, they usually do. And that meal begins another day in their relationship.

At the church I where I currently work, we serve breakfast to elementary and high school students every Wednesday morning. That's because each Wednesday is a "Late Start" day of school here and for many of these kids, parents still have to show up for work even when school starts late. So we open our doors at the usual school time, and a lovely team of cooks serves up breakfast: a warm and sweet and filling breakfast. After the dishes are cleared, we share updates from the week just passed or worries about the day ahead. We might play games or make a craft or just fiddle with some play dough. Those breakfasts are the source of our relationships with many of these kids, and they know us because we break bread together. We are a special kind of family. Like Jesus and the disciples, no blood ties us together, yet we are bound by love and warm food. May they learn to recognize Jesus in the breaking of the bread with us.

Introvert/Extrovert

My book club read a powerful book this month. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain is a fascinating treatise on how American culture values extroverted people significantly more than introverted people and how that plays out in our society. The author makes a strong case that this is a big mistake. (You can hear Susan Cain give a brief overview of her findings in her TED Talk.) The women who gathered to discuss the book were split between introverts and extroverts six to four. When everyone in the group is present we are nearly evenly divided but clearly the introverts were excited to talk about this book! As they spoke it became increasingly obvious how much they related to the author's words and how misunderstood, undervalued, or out of place they sometimes felt.

As the discussion continued we noted that many of us had both kinds of children and the extroverts in the group clearly felt that they understood their extroverted children better than their introverted children, while the introverted mothers felt they understood their extroverted child(ren) well but were sometimes exhausted by them.

This is a rich fountain of the kinds of ideas on family and faith dynamics that fascinate me and I have been thinking about it a lot. Here are a few things I think parents might want to know:

• Introverts and extroverts are both created in the image of God. 
• If you are an extroverted parent raising an introverted child, get thee to Amazon and buy this book. You will appreciate a look at life from the other side.
• Your child's feelings about public speaking have nothing to do with their intro- or extro- version.
• Both types of children need lots of reassurance that they are valuable but your introverted child may need more of that from you because they get less of it elsewhere.
• We are part of a society that values how things look. Make sure you look past the presentation to the content when dealing with your children - sometimes the most grandly presented speech is completely devoid of any meaningful content while the low-key and simply presented speech can be filled with profound observations.
• Don't feel that you have to fill up every silence. Leave room for the less talkative (more introverted) child to offer a topic of conversation that interests him or her.
• Jesus may be the only true ambivert (a person perfectly balanced between being an extrovert and an introvert.)
• Help your child learn to live out their own extroversion or introversion, and help them to appreciate the gifts of their friends and siblings who are the opposite.

One more way to look at God's amazing creation! Every creature unique, and gifted for the life of the world. Can you imagine the possibilities as you look at your child?

From Plate to Planet

Last Monday the Los Angeles public schools joined a global movement. The movement is called Meatless Monday. Each week the school district will skip meat and serve an alternative form of protein for lunch on Mondays. Students can always bring a turkey sandwich from home, but they won't find one for sale at school.

This is one of those teachable moments that occurs from time to time and provides families with opportunities for rich conversation about faith and life and choices. It's a news story that lets us talk about stewardship in the broadest possible terms.

Originally launched by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health ten years ago, and now endorsed by at least 20 other schools of public health, today Meatless Monday is a movement active in 23 countries, There are many positive reasons for giving up meat one day each week. In utterly random order, here are some of the benefits of eating less meat:

• It's good for your body! Less meat translates into less heart disease, cancer, and diabetes.
• It costs less. Eating meatless will stretch your food dollar.
• Fewer animals are killed and raised on factory farms.
• It's a good way to reduce the calories and fats in your diet.
• It saves water. Did you know that it takes 600 gallons of water to produce a single hamburger patty?
• You will avoid drugs. Hormones, antibiotics, and preservatives are all added to your meat.
• Grain can feed more people around the world than meat. 
• Eating less meat reduces global warming. It takes a lot of energy to transport meat products and keep them cool.

Most of us have opinions and convictions about "stewardship." For some of us stewardship is all about money, for others it has become an all-encompassing mission. We are to care for all that God has given us: our health, our bodies, our talents, our finances, and even our neighbors and our planet.

So imagine with your child what he or she would do if the school cafeteria went meatless on Mondays. Would he or she pack a sandwich or go with the school lunch? Should we try this out as a family? Why or why not? What's your favorite meal that doesn't contain meat? How much money did we spend on meat last week at the grocery store? What could we do with the money we could save by eating meat two or three fewer times each week? How much does that add up to over a year?

Meatless Mondays have the potential to be profound acts of thanksgiving. They underscore the fast before feast concept I talked about a few weeks back. I gave it a try on Monday and it was incredibly easy! I didn't suffer a bit. My ordinary breakfast of cereal is always meatless. My lunchtime cream of broccoli soup was delicious, and my suppertime pasta was very satisfying. Give it a try, and let me know what you think!

P.S. You can find recipes and learn a lot more about Meatless Mondays at their website.

Taste and See

True confession: I didn't eat whole olives until I was in my fifties. I had horrid associations with olives based on some federal food surplus program in the 1960s that sent vast amounts of black olives to my school lunchroom. They were probably classified as vegetables, along with the ketchup. Since olives were not a food friendly to the palettes children, we quickly decided that they were actually projectiles that could be launched from any finger. Not a memory that inspired me to actually want to try eating them.

While I am not a picky eater, neither am I an especially adventurous eater. So it is exceedingly hypocritical of me to be judgmental of picky eating. There are very few childish behaviors that I won't excuse. I can tolerate exuberance, argumentativeness, excessive curiosity, repetitive behaviors, obnoxiousness, messiness, and even a little bit of rudeness, but picky eating drives me crazy.

I guess that for me, food has always represented wholesomeness, providence, creation, and care all rolled up into one neat package. I know that there are people who see eating as a chore but because I have imbued food with so many other qualities, picky eating feels to me like rejecting the generosity of God, nature, and the person who prepared the food.

Given my sanctimonious attitudes about picky eating, it's funny to think that lack of finickiness around food was one of the things that ticked off the Pharisees about Jesus.  He didn't always dine in homes that kept kosher. He sometimes dipped his bread in the same bowl as people who didn't take their ritual cleanliness seriously. The Pharisees called Jesus out on this more than once. The question of what the early believers were allowed to eat nearly created the first schism in the church as Peter and Paul argued on opposite sides of the kosher diet question.

Here, however, we see God at God's finest. For where are we most united in faith? At the table. Gathered around the altar. Meeting to eat and drink together; Christ's very body and blood, given for us. There and then, beyond all other places and times, we are united as one. What if we were too picky for that?

Every family has ideas about when children should be welcomed to the Lord's table.  In my congregation we leave it up to parents to decide. Theologically, it seems to me that any time is the right time. As a parent, I think that the right time is when they reach for it, or ask for it. I think that when your child reaches out to actively participate in the life of the church, it is the right time. Who would turn down a child who wanted to help decorate the Christmas tree or dye Easter eggs? We know that participation adds meaning to events so I support letting them participate early, and in as many ways as possible.

What introduced me to the wonderful world of olives was a curiosity about Middle Eastern food, about what Jesus ate. Your children may be curious about the meal at worship.  Help them expand their food choices by bringing them to the table.

Holiday Travels: Home for the Holidays

Join me on the train again. . .

Here's what greeted Heather when she arrived.

My first seatmate on the journey was Heather. Heather was a bubbly 18-year-old college freshman from a small town east of Dallas. This was her first trip home from San Antonio since school started in August. She was as wriggly as a preschool child in her excitement. By the time she left the train I knew all about her, her parents, her brothers and sisters, and even the names and ages of her nieces and nephews. She was heading home to her family.

I was headed away from my home, toward my daughter's home. She has a new home, one I hadn't seen yet. I was almost as excited as Heather to be spending the holiday with my family. It made me think about how children come home for the holidays, and then one day you realize they are actually going home after the holidays. Your home is no longer their home; they have been visiting.

It's not an instant thing, this switch from coming home to going home and I expect it happens as many different ways as there are people. There's no single point at which the place you live becomes your home instead of your house, but once it has happened, your childhood home, the home of your parents, is no longer your own home.

Being home for Christmas is a major wish for many people. Going home for Christmas is a major stress for others - partly because not everyone in a family agrees where home is. There are no easy answers. Still, Christmas is the celebration of Love coming to us, so whether you are in a house in Houston, a condo in Colorado, or a tent in Tanzania, whether you are going home, or staying home, I wish you Love.

The School of Reformation

When I was growing up kids were occasionally threatened with "reform school." Back in those days you could be removed from the school and the home and sent away to clean up your act.  It was a scary threat -- to be sent away to a place where people would make you walk the line. Still, there was a hopeful premise underlying the threat. Those who threatened still believed that it was possible to reform a wayward child or adolescent. These days we are more cynical; at least some of us no longer believe that reform is possible.

I have been thinking about the word reform this week because this coming Sunday is designated as Reformation Sunday in the Lutheran calendar. I love the word reform. Re-form. Form again. It is a hopeful word.

In the place that I inhabit, a place where faith and parenting intersect, Reformation Sunday is a time to look around and see what needs to be reformed. There is always something. For example, I need to reform my eating habits so that I eat more fruit. Re-form. Form again. Not break a bad habit, just reform my habit. Breaking a habit sounds a bit violent when you think about it. Reforming sounds like gentle molding. I like that.

As a parent, you are continually reforming your children, yourself, your rules, and your routines. Each reformation is intended to improve things or to adjust to changed circumstances. It is a living, growing, changing, hopeful, and dynamic approach to life.  It is impossible not to reform when there are children in your day-to-day life. They are the catalysts for these changes, and our lives can be immeasurably enriched by these reformations.

Historians and theologians will tell you that the Reformation that spawned the Lutheran church was a significant point of change in Western civilization. Life would never be the same: economics, education, religion, and governance were all impacted.  Still, in the midst of the Reformation, things were retained. People still worshiped. There were changes to the form of worship. The communal language was used and everyone participated. Some things stayed the same. The object of worship, God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, remained the same.

This is how reformation in the family needs to happen. Some things will change, and some will stay the same. Your family may be facing  the arrival of a new baby, a child's departure for college or military service, the fears and blessings that accompany the start of kindergarten or handing over the keys to the car. Some things will have to change. And some things will have to stay the same to keep us anchored through the change. What anchors your family? Is it bedtime blessings, breakfast rituals, Sunday worship followed by brunch with family or friends? Do those rituals need to be reformed so that they will have greater staying power?

The Reformation we celebrate and your child's first solo drive bear much in common. They are life-changing events. They cannot be undone. They both promise greater autonomy and greater opportunity. They bring relief to some who were overburdened. They are undergirded with hope.

Happy re-formation to you all!

Continuing Ed for Parents?

A few years ago there was a popular quiz making the e-mail rounds: which television mom are you?  I was very happy to be aligned with Claire Huxtable of The Cosby Show. Television is far more often ridiculous than helpful or useful in its representations of families but every year or two there's one where the writing is just so perfect you stop in your tracks and wish you had said that perfect thing. Of course, we don't have the benefit of terrific writers who come up with our lines, or do we?

I think there is value in watching television shows and movies about families. Even the silly ones. Television parents have writers who craft words that say exactly the right thing when the important topics come up, can prepare you for those tough questions. If you pay attention, you can have the right words when you need them too.

Some of my favorites:

• Glee: The parents don't appear much but Burt Hummel, father to Kurt who is gay, gives one of the best bits of advice about readiness for sex that I have ever heard. It would work for a son, a daughter, straight or gay. Brilliant writing, and really good advice.
• Everybody Loves Raymond is built on family comedy yet often includes poignant moments that leave you with a lump in your throat and eyes welling with tears because of the truth of family they express. The episode where they decide to hold the twins back in school because one of them needs it articulates parental fears and wisdom with truth and whimsy.
• Parenthood, my current favorite family show, hits a home run more weeks than not.  In just the last few episodes the families have tackled racism, cancer, job burnout, adoption, veterans issues, and salaries. Last week Jasmine's "Talk" with Jabar about racism is sensitive, compassionate, and way better than any parent could do on the fly.
• Even shows that aren't actually about families, but which have families attached to them can sometimes supply words or ideas. The Suarez family of Ugly Betty shows us a remarkably functional family smack in the middle of a ridiculous industry and workplace.

Television families aren't real, but they reflect family life like a fun house mirror that makes us look a little taller, a little skinnier, maybe a little better. Comparing yourself to the Huxtables, the Barones or the Bravermans doesn't help your family in any way, but mining their experience for things you can do better or say more articulately might bless your family by making you a more prepared parent.

As with everything in life, the best preparation is prayer. And if you ask God to show you how to handle this phase of your child's life, and you get to watch Claire Huxtable or Adam Braverman do it well, then perhaps this is the answer you were seeking. Like the man on the roof in the flood who is so confident that God will save him  that he sends away two boats and a helicopter before drowning - let's recognize the answers when they appear. If I, a human parent made in the image of God, will use puppets to teach my children lessons they need to learn, why should I think that God won't use television to teach me?

Preventing Erosion

I am continually amazed at the common sense of children. Yesterday, in a discussion about wants and needs with the children at Daily Bread Cooking Camp, one soon-to-be fifth grader rolled her eyes and said, "It's like a mansion. Everybody wants one but nobody needs one." Out of the mouths of babes. . .

There was also a decision at camp about who got to go first for a specific activity. I turned it over to the kids who had lively discussions within their groups of four and ultimately chose, without tears or counselor intervention, who would go and who would wait. They could do this because they trusted they would get their turn.

I sometimes made my kids choose their own punishments. My girls were almost always harder on themselves than I would have been. They didn't like having to choose their own consequences, but when faced with the challenge usually judged themselves quite fairly.

At some point human beings learn to rationalize. Once that happens, the innate fairness, trust, and honesty that kids have starts to erode. Erosion is a character issue. It's also a "natural" issue. Consider soil erosion; left unprotected soil will wash away in the rains or blow away in the winds. Two things can slow or stop the erosion: strengthening the soil's "hold" and creating barriers to the eroding factors. If we want to keep soil from blowing or washing away we plant vegetation like ground cover or grasses so the roots will help hold the soil in place and build windbreaks like trees or fences that will keep the wind from blowing away the soil you want to protect.

Those same methods, creating a root system and building windbreaks, can work to protect character. Building a root system is having a strong community for your children: a community with common values, woven together by culture, memory, and connections. For my family our church has served this purpose well. Some people live surrounded by family and have their own built in root system. Any community will work, as long as your community is authentically rooted, and not merely superficial.

The institutions around our kids serve as the windbreaks: the churches, schools, sports clubs, camps, and musical groups can all help to prevent character erosion. If these institutions value fairness, are trustworthy, and not punitive, your child's innate systems will be protected. If there is favoritism or exclusiveness, your child's innate values may begin to erode. How are your kid's windbreaks performing?

I don't want to romanticize children into fantasy creatures. There are values beyond fairness that are not innate and need to be taught, but like the protective vegetation that ultimately dies and further nourishes the very soil it protected, and the tree that drops its leaves, which also serve to nourish and protect, and even the snow that covers or the rain that soaks - all of these things change the soil for the better. Your anti-erosion systems will do more than protect your child's character; they will nourish it, and help your child grow in the face of challenge or hardship. The communities and institutions will even create the situations where your child's character can be further formed.

We all have communities and institutions in our lives. Are they helping you protect and nurture your child's character?

The Long View

It is the tradition, when building a cathedral, to lay the first stone at the east end of the church and build backward from there. The Washington National Cathedral was built in this way. Its first stone was laid in 1907. Five years after construction began, the first services were held in the Bethlehem chapel. Construction continued until the final stone was placed in 1990. The finished structure has over 83,000 square feet, is 102 feet high in the middle, has over 200 stained glass windows, and tombs containing the remains of several notable Americans, including Woodrow Wilson and Helen Keller.

I recently took a tour of the Cathedral and left pondering the sheer magnitude of this project. Who could conceive of a project that would take 83 years to complete? The original architect of this project, George Frederick Bodley died less than a month after the first stone was laid. All told, a total of five architects contributed to the building of the Cathedral.

One of the most famous features of the Cathedral is the "Space Window" which contains a rock brought back from the moon. It was hard to imagine a plan that would be flexible enough to incorporate such an artifact when the first flight at Kitty Hawk had just happened. According to the docent on my tour, the south windows were designed from the beginning to represent the gifts that people use to serve God. This particular opening was designated for the Scientists and Technicians window. The white spot in the center of the red circle is a slice of moon rock brought back and donated by the crew of Apollo 11.


In the instant world of the 21st century it is almost impossible for us to think in terms of decades, never mind centuries. That is partly a consequence of the pace of change in the life we live today, and partly the result of our ego-centric worldview. In the midst of this, the one place where we are perhaps still called to take the long view is the family. Having children is an act of hope. It is a dream of the future; an act that tells the world we believe in life. When we become parents, we have to remember that we are raising children who will most likely outlive us. We need to prepare them for a world we cannot see or even imagine.

Can we learn something about life architecture from the great architecture of the cathedral? The cathedral is shaped like a cross - reaching up, yet reaching out. It points toward God, and is put together of millions of smaller pieces - each small piece someone's best work. It is surrounded by enough natural space to allow time and calm for reflection. It incorporates the very greatest stories from the Bible and recognizes the gifts of all people. It acknowledges that there are fearful creatures around us, but lets the light in to chase the dark away. Both life, in the form of the baptismal font and the table where we can gather to eat, and death, in the form of crypts and memorials, are woven into the construction of the whole. What a wise design for a church, or a life!

Summer Lovin'

Spring and summer collided yesterday, with a hot, rainy, sunny, breezy, something-for-everyone kind of day. I, a decidedly indoor kind of person, was out in it as my church hosted a block party. And the crazy-wonderful weather only enhanced the event. There we were - people from the neighborhood, people from the church, people from all over the world - gathered to listen to music played by our house band, a Liberian band, an Indonesian band, and a one-man-band from Puerto Rico. Kids were playing soccer on a nearby patch of grass. Sausages were cooking on the grill. It was a nice way to kick off summer.

East met "west" last weekend as I became acquainted with the family and friends of my almost-son-in-law in Maryland. I haven't spent much time on the East coast and was charmed by our nation's capital and the people I met there. I was struck by how lush everything was; not what I expected at all, and a wonderful respite from the Texas drought. Everyone involved loved the bride or groom, which, like the music at the block party, drew us together. It was a really nice way to kick off their new family.

At Vacation Bible School last week, kids from our church, our neighborhood, and their friends and cousins from all over the place gathered to learn about the Sower and the Seed. It seems the Sower is busy - planting everywhere. Not just where there is a guarantee of success, but everywhere. Some seeds struggle in rocky shallow soil, with barely any roots, but still stretching upward. Other seeds grow in spite of thorny, clinging and clawing weeds that try to hold them back, while others are carried off by birds to eventually grow in soil that may be rocky or thorny or nourishing. Some seeds land in good soil and produce in abundance.

It seems that, in the end, we all had the same beginning. Some of us were blessed to be born into families that are good soil, rich in nutrients, with sunlight and water plentiful. Some of us are born into families where the soil is rocky, where the stuff we need to grow is hard to come by, yet somehow, against the odds, we rise toward the sun. Others of us have to fight from the first day as weeds of mental illness, addiction,  or ignorance work against us as we try to grow. A few of us were carried away from our original patch of earth by war, or adoption, or a dream of a better life to unknown soil. Yet all of us were planted by the same hand. Isn't knowing that a nice way to kick off some new relationships? 

Crossroads

It has been said that the church is a crossroads - a place of intersections. It is the place where daily life and eternal life overlap. The place where fear and faith and doubt and dreams all meet.  It is the cross road - the place where we  pick up our crosses and follow Jesus, and where we lay them down. The place where we are reminded that there is One who makes the load lighter; One who gives hope and light and love. 

All the of following are taking place at my church this week:

• Confirmation 
• Pre-school graduation 
• Job interviews
• A wedding 
• Celebration of a retirement 
• An end of school picnic 
• A funeral 
• A last day of work 
• Meetings to plan for summer
• A special Eucharist 
• Teacher appreciation
• Last day of regular Sunday School

At the same time, people are experiencing:

• High school and college graduations
• Traveling relatives
• Surgery or health issues
• Babies being born
• Applying for summer jobs
• Houses being sold or renovated
• Kids coming home from college
• End of school year events
• Vacation and camp preparations
• News of great sadness or great joy

Weeks like this can overwhelm families. Come to the crossroad and rest with your baptismal brothers and sisters. Come and refresh at the font, soak in the familiar and the family, float in forgiveness and love - if only for an hour. It will put everything in perspective.

Roll the Stone Away

Last week I really struggled to write my post. Let's call it blogger's block. Someone suggested that the best way past the block was to write about it, and in doing so I got to thinking about obstacles. The Easter story has its own big obstacle: the stone that seals Jesus into the tomb. In Mark's account of the resurrection, the women on the way to the tomb worry about the stone blocking the entrance. Here's where those thoughts took me next:

The stone that blocked the entrance to Jesus' tomb was big. I think a lot of big things can block the way: big expectations, big money, big talk, big promises, and big disappointments. The sheer size of big things can block the entrance to where we want to be. For me, that thing is usually a topic too big for a five-hundred word treatment - but it might be something that is so big that it distracts me from the task. Does your family have any big stones? Is there anything out of proportion? Any obstacle to the family life you want to have?

The offending stone at the tomb was also heavy. It weighed too much for the women to simply roll it. As I take on obligations, their collective weight can become an obstacle that blocks my way - either because it slows me down, or worse, completely crushes my creativity. Sometimes we just have heavy loads to carry. If your family is carrying a special burden, whether it's grief, physical or mental illness, unemployment or debt, then you know the obstacles heavy burdens can create.

The women came to the tomb equipped with oils and spices to care for the body. These were the tools for the job they knew how to do, but they didn't come equipped with tools to move the stone away. I may be very capable and well-equipped, but circumstances for which I lack the proper tools can block my progress too.  Nobody starts a job with fewer tools than a parent. We mostly come equipped with memories of how our parents did it, a few observations of other people's mistakes, and maybe a book or two about raising infants and toddlers that we read while we were expecting. Lack of tools can block your family from the home-life you want. 

Oh such a downer! Obstacles everywhere! But wait! Just as the women at the tomb ultimately didn't have to roll the stone away, neither did I and neither do you. God rolled the stone away. Whether by earthquake or angel, a stone can be removed by a power greater than your own. Or God will give you the strength,  wisdom or tools you need to remove the obstacle. The Risen Lord will not be blocked! Let the stone be rolled away!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-hallelujah!

Some people think that faith is a really serious thing. Even in the aftermath of God's great practical joke of raising Jesus from the dead, we still intone Alleluia with a reasonable amount of gravity and decorum. Does anyone else think that the idea of greeting the news of the resurrection with a face suitably composed for the grave-side is slightly ridiculous?

Most kids, as we all know, don't hold on to the serious very long. In fact, we tend to worry when they do. Yet, at some magical point, we declare that they are old enough to "take life seriously!" If they don't, we call them free spirits. . . as if that were a bad thing. (Back to Easter again, wasn't free one of the great gifts of the resurrection?)

Some churches, I recently learned, treat the 2nd Sunday of Easter as Holy Humor Sunday. I absolutely love this idea!  I think that God, who created us with the capacity for joy and laughter, would feel our worship as we come together to laugh and rejoice. I also think this would be a fantastic experience for children.

We don't have this at my church (yet!) but I have made it my mission during the Easter season to have lots of laughter at every event with children, and to connect that laughter with the Alleluia (Ha-llelujah) of the resurrection. I don't think that this linkage will necessarily sink in on any conscious level, but I hope it will leave an Easter afterglow that will stay with them for a lifetime.

Just before Easter a friend posted this 1 minute video to Facebook. The video quality isn't that great but just listening to this baby chortle can make your day. You will hear it echo in your head, long after you watch it. 

Don't your insides feel great? There is plenty of science to back up the old cliche' about laughter being the best medicine. So why not add a dose of laughter to your family's daily routine? Let the kids lead the way - they are naturally silly and, if you aren't focused too closely on making them into serious people, you will find plenty of opportunities to laugh.

If you're not sure how to get started with this, the "Ha-Ha Game" is a great shortcut to breathless giggles. It's this simple: Say Ha, the next person says Ha-Ha; continue taking turns, adding another ha until someone cracks up completely - and then start over.  As you gain experience, you will have to work harder for the laughter, but it will be just as sweet once it arrives. Try it out! You'll have fun, and you will give your kids a great gift!

I plan to bring you more laughter as we progress through the Easter season. May the joy of the resurrection seep into all the dry places of your life and wake them to new growth.

Christ is Risen! He is Risen Indeed, Hallelujah!!!

Tuning

Before an orchestra can perform (at least if it wants the audience to stay) it has to "tune". This is a fascinating process to watch, and it strikes my imagination as how creation must have been: chaos moving toward order. As you listen to the assorted instruments of the orchestra tune up you will hear the oboe play one clear note (Concert A) that remains constant through the chaos. This is the sound that each instrument  first strives to match. Then, each instrument must tune to itself - for example, a violin has four strings. The player first tunes one string to the central note, then tunes the other three strings to the tuned string.  This clip provides a clear example of the process:





"Tuning" is a good metaphor for how families work too. Each member of the family must tune to a central core note, the Concert A of that family. Then each must tune his or her other strings to the first one. This is not as quick and easy as the orchestra clip above. Those people are professionals - at work, focused, and invested in sounding good.

I'm not sure a family can ever reach that level of efficiency in its tuning. The family has a variety of circumstances that an orchestra does not have to consider. In a family, the orchestra members are always changing - new babies are born, new in-laws join the family, couples divorce and people die. Another factor is the tune-ability of a particular instrument in the orchestra - for some instruments, no amount of tuning will ever keep them true for very long. And, your family orchestra will, hopefully, always include beginners. A lot of family tuning looks more like this:



Still, you can strive to be in tune, and if your Concert A is true and strong, the members will instinctively gravitate toward it. So what core value is the loudest, most consistent and truest sound in your family?  Is it the note you want to be your family's Concert A? I pray that your family will develop perfect pitch!

The Serving Season

Serving food, serving drinks, serving the hungry in soup kitchens, and serving our neighbors are regular hallmarks of the "extreme season." All around the church and community people are lining up volunteers and asking for donations of money,  gift cards, time, and patience. At home, this may begin to take a toll if your heart is bigger than your available hours or dollars. I remember a lot of years where I was just plain mad all through the holidays because I felt like a failure on every front - everyone needed more from me than I had to give. I used to think this was because I was a single parent on a tight budget but I have since learned that almost everyone feels this way at some point during the holidays. Here are a few things I figured out along the way:

• Start by deciding how much money you will give ahead of time and then, as a family, DECIDE where you'll give it. Some families pick one thing and stick with it year after year but others like to mix it up and give to a lot of places. Your family members may not all agree so you may have to divide the budgeted funds between several causes. That discussion will be almost as rewarding as the giving. Depending on the ages and temperaments of your children there may be spirited debates over the merits of buying dog food for the animal shelter or toys for children whose parents are in prison. People may get passionate but that's OK - it's for a good cause!
• Choose ONE actual hands on service project. Giving money is very helpful to recipients but less valuable to your children who really won't fully grasp the giving of money until they have earned some themselves. If your children are very small, substitute for a Meals-On-Wheels driver and take them along. Take older kids to wrap gifts at Blue Santa, help an elderly neighbor put up a tree or some lights, or serve dinner  at a soup kitchen. Wherever you serve, serve together.
• Find a way to participate at church. Welcome guests, make cookies for the choir members who will sing multiple services on Christmas Eve, help carry all those poinsettias into the church - or offer to deliver them to shut-ins after the Christmas Day services. Check to see if someone could use a ride to church. Sing in the choir or play in the orchestra. Even offer to stay and lock up the building after the last service! Take some of your baking to a family who has had health issues or recently lost a loved one. Serving at church helps reinforce for your kids that it's really all about THE BABY.
• Don't do things you, or your family, resent. If traveling to see relatives is more chore than joy - stay home! Go another time when you can enjoy it more.  Hate sending Christmas cards but want to stay in touch? Send a New Year's letter or a valentine or write a generic letter that can be sent with birthday cards.

I think it's easy to feel like you're in a rubber raft about to go over a waterfall as the holidays approach but try not to lose sight of the countless blessings in your life and the baby in the manger.  Holding those things at the center can help you float a little more gently down the holiday river.

Doing Faith

Last week I wrote about how practice is necessary for learning.  This week I want to talk about doing FAITH.  I'm guessing that you who are reading this want children to have faith, and want children to mature into faithful adults.  In the Lutheran tradition, at a child's baptism, we promise to take on the following responsibilities:

• to live with them among God's faithful people
• to bring them to the word of God and the holy supper
• to teach them the Lord's Prayer, the Creed, and the Ten Commandments,
• and to nurture them in faith and prayer.

Regardless of your tradition or situation you need to demonstrate to your child what a faithful person looks like.  Where better to demonstrate this than in the community of faith we call the church.  The simplest element of faith “practice” is just showing up.  Show up on Sunday morning and you will be among God’s faithful people.  Even when you aren’t feeling faithful!

Help the children participate: fold hands, say amen, stand up, and sit down. Follow the words with your finger for beginning readers. Sit where they can see what’s going on.  Point out acolytes helping lead the worship. Let them put the envelope in the plate. 

 

The word of God and the Lord’s Supper will be present every week.  Again, the first step is showing up.  Before long your child will want to participate in the meal with you.  One of my children indicated this by demanding “snack.” She felt left out in a place where she knew she belonged.  She was already one of God’s faithful people.

Most churches provide religious education where your child will learn the great stories of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.  They will also be nurtured in their faith by faithful teachers and practice faith together with friends who are learning beside them.

As I said at the start, doing faith requires practice.  There are two things that can best be practiced by parents and children together.  The first is faith itself.  Daily trusting, and testifying to your trust in God, helps your child learn to trust as well.  If you worry aloud, your child learns to worry. Practice trusting and your child will too. 

 

The second is prayer.   Pray with and for your child.  Pray over important events or decisions in your family life.  Pray your thanks for answered prayers, blessings, and life itself. Pray for the people you know, and in the face of public tragedy.  Empower your children by giving them something to do when they encounter situations they are powerless to control or repair.

When your child leaves home she becomes responsible for managing her own faith life.  Knowing how to participate in a faith community and its practices will serve her well when she faces the world without the protection of the home and family she’s always known.  Going to church, if it has been a regular practice in her life, becomes a way of going home.  It can be an extension of family, allowing her to find a family wherever she is. Trust and prayer go where she goes.

My daughter’s band director said (frequently!) that practice makes permanent.  If that is true, then practicing faith with your children is one of the most important items on your to-do list today.  Enjoy!

The Year With No School Supplies

School starts this week in my part of the world.  In my entire lifetime, only six Augusts have not involved back-to-school preparations: five before my eldest daughter started kindergarten and this one. So while most years I have been wrapped up in the busyness and excitement of the first day of school, this year I'm looking back at many years of fresh fall starts. I am also more aware of the sadness some people are experiencing as school starts.    Families sending a child off to school for the first time (especially if it is the first or last child in the family) are feeling some loss and a flutter of fear even as they enjoy the excitement of this big milestone.  Other families face empty nests as they send their last "baby" off to college.  Their homes feel empty and their calendars seem blank.  And in between these two extremes are the fears and losses that crop up when a child is changing schools, moving up from elementary to middle or middle to high school and so forth.  

Negotiating these feelings is the first "homework" of the new school year. 

Here’s some more parental homework for those of you who are still buying school supplies:

• Remember who's going to school. "We" will not get an A+ on "our" project.  School is your child's job, not yours.  You've already been to third grade; let your child tell you how it is for her.  Think about yourself at her age and share your 3rd grade self with her.  She will love hearing your stories and you will enjoy the memories.
• Remember that the purpose of school is learning. Period. Everything else, sports, music, clubs, is just a side benefit.  Family time is probably more important than many school activities.  You can never get these days back, ever, so make sure to consider the true cost of the time required.
• Decide what is really important to your family and rank those items.  Then, try to build your schedule around that ranking.  If eating together matters, make it happen!  If traveling is important, take a trip! If church is a priority, go!  If service is something you value, then make sure you serve together as a family; what he does with his family will stick in his memory longer than anything he does with his class.
• Meet your child's friends' families.  Chances are, especially when your child is in the lower grades, you will find people who are very compatible with your family.  These people will be your friends for a long time if you make it a priority.  

This brings us full circle, because when the year with no school supplies arrives, you will need friends who share your feelings.  You won't have regrets because you didn't eat dinner once with your child during her whole senior year (yes, this is a true story - not mine but still painful). Your child's teacher will remember your child and not you, and your child will not have even dreamed of asking you to write a paper for his or her freshman English class (yes, this really happens!)

And if you really, really hate not buying school supplies, you have options: buy some and donate them to a school where kids need them, or dive in and take a class.  Maybe it's your turn to get a new backpack. . .

Making Space for God

I recently read an article that explained Lenten fasting to children.  The author called it "Making space for God." I really love this description.  What a positive spin on fasting.  It's like turning down a third helping of mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving so you will have room for pie.  Skipping one good thing in favor of another.

In my childhood home, we didn't give things up for Lent, we added them.  We added Wednesday night church and it seems like evening devotions went on a little longer during Lent.  At some point in my 20s I decided to try giving things up instead.  I can't really come down on either side of this debate - adding or subtracting things works equally well for me.  Over the past decades I've experimented with a lot of things.  I've given up sweets, sodas, cigarettes, meat, reading fiction and eating out.  I've added a special devotional time to my day or a specific service to others.  I've studied books and learned hymn verses and kept journals using prescribed scripture prompts.  They have all served me well at making space for God.  Some of them, like cigarettes, have become permanent fasts.  Others, like learning hymn verses, are woven into my unconscious being, only to surface when I most need them.

This year I've decided to turn off the television.  I don't really watch it anyway.  Most of the time it's on for background noise, so the sacrifice isn't huge, but the potential space it creates for God to enter is enormous.  Six weeks isn't that long but perhaps God will come into that space and rearrange my mental furniture a bit.  It could really use a change.  And maybe then I can vacuum under some of those assumptions that have been cluttering up my thinking, and discard a few broken ideas I keep meaning to mend but never do. . .  God may have other plans for the space.  I'll have to wait and see.

Families can fast collectively if they want.  It's a wonderful opportunity for creating teachable moments.  Maybe your fast can be a weekly choice, like fish on Fridays, or giving up your pizza night and donating the unspent money to a food pantry.  Or it can be a small daily change like giving up dessert or bottled water.  You may want to try walking more or making your own bread.

Whatever you choose, try it until Easter.  Look for the faith moments created by your change.  You may not even see them now, but they will show up someday.  Give God an inch and you'll get a mile in return.  

Blessings on your Lenten journey.  I hope these 40 days will bring you a greater awareness of God at work in you and in the life of your family.  Feel free to share your stories here!

Reality Check

One of the biggest dilemmas parents face is the "reality check" issue.  When is it appropriate to share reality in the face of your child's dreams?    Do you help them confront reality, or merely distract them with a more realistic option?  Does reality checking kill your child's spirit?  Most parents have encountered the wild dream with absolutely no realistic hope of attainment and wondered how to respond.  Here are some examples gleaned from tales told over a cup of coffee with other mothers:

• She's already 5'6", but she's still clinging to the idea she can be a jockey.
• He thinks he can go to the [Airforce] Academy and be a pilot, but his asthma will probably keep him out of the military altogether.
• He wants to be a veterinarian, but with his grades he'll be lucky to get into college ANYWHERE. Never mind vet school.
• She thinks she'll be the next Crystal Bowersox (or Carrie Underwood, whatever), and her voice just isn't that distinctive.

This is one of those really tough places for parents.  You want to support your kids as they follow their dreams, but at the same time, you want to let them down easy when it's apparent that they're headed for failure.  Still, you know that many of these things just run their course.  And, to further muddy the waters, we all know the stories of the one who succeeded against all odds. Plus, there is always opportunity cost - what must be given up to support this unrealistic dream?  Not to mention honesty issues: can you honestly tell your daughter you think she is the best?

I think it's important to nurture our children's passions because those passions represent who God created that child to be.  I also know that every passion can lead down a hundred different paths, but all most children can see is the most familiar one - I love football so I want to be an NFL player - when, in reality, there are literally hundreds of jobs related to football that aren't being a player.  

I also think that we need to guard our children against people who want to live out their dreams through our kids.  They are out there - people who will USE your child for their personal gain.  They will tell your child she can "go all the way" (whether she's a singer or a gymnast) with no basis in reality.  Whether it's to squeeze more money for lessons out of you or from their own frustrated past - they are exploiting your child.

God has given you a special role: you are a parent.  You are charged with caring for the WHOLE child. Teachers are responsible for their learning, coaches are responsible for their athletic performance, and dentists are responsible for their teeth.   You, mom or dad, are responsible for your whole child.  That means physical, emotional, educational, spiritual, social and moral.  Is your child's unrealistic dream hurting any other part of his or her life? Is it hurting the rest of the family in any way? Then it's probably time for a reality check.  Is their passion bringing them joy without harming any other part of their well-being, or the family's well-being?  Then you should probably support it.  Not fool proof, but certainly a useful place to start.

Oh, and let me splash a little cold water in your face with one more reality check: you can only do your best; God will have to do the rest.

  

Generation to generation

This morning I was treated to an exercise class for seniors and people who are generally out of shape (read ME) and the leader introduced a concept of intergenerational “movement” which appealed to me a great deal. She brought back a memory: Long ago, when I was in high school, I was taught to do the polka by my date’s father, while his mother taught him. This was kind of an amazing experience since I had never been to any kind of dance where there were people who weren’t my peers. Later, as my date and I tried out our newly acquired skills, I was enthralled to watch his parents, who had probably been dancing together at least 25 years, tear up the dance floor. That long ago date’s mother passed away last year and this was the first memory of her that came to me when I heard the news.

Another memory in the same thread: In my freshman year of college I was totally engrossed in the college experience when a professor asked if anyone in the class babysat. Chronically in need of cash, and a very experienced babysitter, I raised my hand. After an evening with his small children I became achingly aware of the absence of children on the campus. I realized that it truly was a place apart, and on some level I don’t think I really wanted to be there anymore.

One other thought: My eldest daughter is in her 4th year of seminary. Except for the year away at internship, she has been an integral part of a family who lives close to her school. While she is technically their employee, they treat her as part of their family.  This relationship has been tremendously enriching to her, and, I would wager, to them as well. In the course of her duties she has met four generations of that family and they have met her, and her husband.

We are built for community. In families it may be blood, or it may be love that binds us together. In the church it is water that makes us family. In the nation, it is history that binds us one to the other. We belong, whether we choose to participate or not.

Family is a powerful binding, but it’s not always practical or even healthy to live near one another. Community IS family – only bigger. And real communities and real families are intergenerational. I believe that everyone needs to know people of more than two generations (their own and their parents.) My children didn’t grow up near either set of grandparents but through telephone and e-mail and summer vacations they still know the love so generously given. And, when they come to visit me, they have many surrogate grandparents who are interested in their lives, in their stories. This is community. This is family.

It’s a win-win to make an effort to reach out to other generations and include them in our lives. Let’s listen to their stories and tell them ours. And, in the words of Steven Stills, (from about the time I learned to polka) “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with!”