River Authority

Many of the boundaries between states and countries were designated by the river that naturally divides land from land. These boundaries seem obvious, but over time they move, due to erosion, dam building, flooding and a host of other factors. In some cases one state or the other controls the river, and in others everything related to the river needs to be negotiated between the two sides. Eventually, some entity must become the River Authority

There are many parenting parallels here. Think about it. Every boundary you will ever set with your child is ultimately going to shift. The crib that contains them when they awake eventually gives way to a bed they can leave by themselves. Tricycle boundaries that limit the rider to sidewalks within sight distance of the front yard will become bike boundaries that eventually allow for riding in the street and far beyond visual supervision. Your child's seven o'clock bedtime becomes eight, then nine, then ten, and eventually is self-regulated.

So who controls the river? Well, where I live there is an entity called the Lower Colorado River Authority. They operate six dams that provide electricity to this area, protect water supply and quality, educate for boater safety, and perhaps most importantly, decide when to release water from the dams. As a parent, I like the idea of being the entity that is the Child River Authority: providing, protecting, educating, and releasing when the time and conditions are right.

There are entire books written about setting boundaries for your children, and you should definitely read a few of them, but I hope you can use this little river analogy to think about the boundaries you set for your kids. Kids are like rivers in so many ways:

• Always moving forward
• Frequently taking the path of least resistance
• Sometimes forcing their way through solid rock
• Full of life
• Receiving input from thousands of streams
• "Uncontainable" in any permanent fashion
• Sometimes rushing, sometimes meandering
• Easily polluted 
• Less easily cleaned up
• Refreshing
• Enriching to everyone near them

The most successful strategy for managing a river is to embrace the nature of the river. No river can be contained behind a dam forever; it will ultimately go over, around, or through the dam if not released. The Authority can, however, use strategically placed dams to focus the flow of the river to generate power, protect and serve the people near the river, increase its efficiency, and release the water in a steady, safe flow. The Authority can make rules to keep the river clean, protect the life within it, and educate others about this particular river.

Both the river and the child are created and called by God for some purpose. They bless us, and we have a sacred responsibility to be good stewards of both. You are your child's River Authority, and you make rules for the good of the child over stretches of time and space. You can own neither the river nor the child, but you can manage your child on behalf of the true owner. What a privilege!

What Is That Trophy Really Worth?

The debate over participation ribbons and trophies is alive and well. Should we reward effort in the same way we reward success? Does it matter to a child's self-esteem? I guess I wasn't surprised to hear that this debate continues to rage long after my children, the original recipients of the "participation" awards, have graduated from college.

Participation awards certainly have their genesis in good intentions, but it can be argued that the enemy of the best is the good. I went blog surfing to see what others think about this. Here are a few choice arguments I found:

From CuteMonster:

• Giving a child an award without that hard work might lead to a false sense of what the real world is like. What if a high school junior doesn’t study for his SATs? Will he still get a good score? Will he get into a good college? The answer is likely no.
• Working hard, regardless of winning or losing, should be celebrated.
• . . .where I think we cross the line is when we award subjective winners, such as rating artistic events. There is a nuance to 'judging' that is lost on children.
• I like the idea of "participation awards" that place a value on a child's willingness to devote time and effort. 

From Good & Bad Parents:

• Why are we rewarding kids just for breathing? We need to stop rewarding kids just for participating.  This is teaching them that they should be rewarded without putting forth much effort.  They start to develop a sense of entitlement.  Children need to know that they need to work hard in order to be rewarded for anything.

From On the Pitch:

• Just a thought for another option. Last season we took 3-ring binders, sheet protectors, and construction paper and put together scrap/yearbooks for our players. It’s a great way to save money, space, and memories and add a personal touch from the coaches. Not to mention letting the players see how they grow each season. Just wanted to offer that, good ideas on both sides of the issue, the most important thing is that the kids walk away with a positive experience, no matter how you decide to recognize them.

Is there a faith question lodged somewhere in this impassioned debate? I think there is, and I think the answer to that question renders this whole debate moot. Concern for trophies ties a child's worth to what he or she does. This is very much the view of our American culture: worth is tied to achievement. In the Kingdom of God, a child's (or adult's) worth is determined by what he or she is. So if your child's activity does, or does not, provide participation awards, your child's ultimate worth remains the same.

Here are a few thoughts on worth:

From Jesus:

• Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.  (Matthew 10:29-31)

From Henri Nouwen:

• But you have to pray. You have to listen to the voice who calls you the beloved, because otherwise you will run around begging for affirmation, for praise, for success. (Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World)

 No one has greater influence on a child’s sense of worth than parents! Let them know you and God love them for who they are, and not what they do. Your love is the trophy they covet most of all.

A Job Well Done

The inability of a young woman to do the simplest of daily tasks is exploited in the television show Two Broke Girls. Caroline, a rich girl raised by nannies and maids, falls on hard times and ends up as a waitress in a seedy diner. She's balanced by practical and street-wise Max who is adept at survival but

definitely lacking in some of the finer graces. The combination is hilarious, but it's obvious that both girls are held back by what they don't know.  (By the way, this show is very funny but has a raunchy side that sometimes borders on offensive. Be forewarned if you plan to check it out.)

I regularly see kids who have never washed dishes, folded clothes, made beds, pulled weeds, mowed the lawn, or used a broom. They are not incompetent kids. Most of them excel at something: music, sports, academics, art. They simply have never had to do any day-to-day chores.  It's easy to see how it happens with the busy schedules people keep, but I wonder if we might be handicapping them for the next stages of their lives.

Here are a few tried-and-true chores with recommended ages for learning:

• 18 months - Picking up toys and returning them to toy box or shelf 
• 2 years - Putting clothes in the hamper
• 3 years - Folding towels and underwear
• 4 years - Feeding pets
• 5 years - Putting clean laundry away
• 6 years - Drying dishes
• 7 years - Packing lunch
• 8 years - Taking out trash/bringing in groceries
• 9 years - Washing clothes
• 10 years - Unloading the dishwasher
• 11 years - Changing the bed sheets
• 12 years - Washing the car
• 13 years - Babysitting

There are many more things kids are capable of doing; they just need instruction, encouragement, and 

appreciation. They start saying, "I do it" when they are about age two, and they really want to do it. Let them. Help them.

It is true that we are serving God when we serve our families. It is also true that we serve God when we are good stewards of our children, equipping them to take care of themselves, to live peaceably with others, and to carry their own loads. Sooner or later your kids will be living with someone else, a roommate or maybe a spouse, and you will not be there to fix their lunches or wash their clothing. Get them ready and maybe eventually you'll have time to watch Two Broke Girls or other silly television program. Or maybe you'll find that you have the time and energy to share a little love with someone outside your family. Equipping your kids ultimately frees you to go where God calls you to go, and that's an exciting proposition!

Love Like a Grown-Up

I am going to steal, and twist, an idea from Sunday's sermon in which Pastor Skip talked about Discipleship 2.0. He pointed out that some of us have mastered the basic tasks of discipleship, and now we are charged with mastering version 2.0 which requires that we love one another as Jesus has loved us. There's a special twist on this for parents. We, the grown-ups, are required to love our kids as Jesus has loved us.

To be loved by Jesus is to be loved in spite of one's self. Jesus gives unconditional love for the person you are, even if your actions don't live up to your best self. That is how we are to love our children, and most of the time we do. As they get older though, our expectations grow, and sometimes the kids don't live up to those expectations. Sometimes they disappoint us. This is the place where it can get really messy, the place where a parent can start thinking about how this impacts me. And that's where the wedge can be driven between you and your child. That's the place where your child can start to think he or she isn't good enough or lovable enough.

This is where you need to stand up and love like a grown-up. This is where you need to separate the person and the action carefully. This is when you have to put yourself in your children's shoes and say what they need to hear: that you still love them in spite of the crumpled fender, the poor grade, or the bad judgment. This is not the time to withhold love or approval in hopes of teaching them a lesson. This is the time to love them with everything you have, and to find the teachable moment in the middle of it.

Too often we are tempted to say, "You know I love you but this (insert habit or infraction here) really drives me crazy." Your kid will only hear the second half of this sentence; the "but" wipes out the first half completely. So, if you must include a "but," wait until you mean it and then say it in reverse, "This (habit or infraction) drives me crazy, but I love you with all my heart."

Too late? Already have a wedge between you and your child? Reach across or around it. You are the grown-up; you have the greater responsibility for the relationship. If it needs mending, figure out how to fix it. Don't send your child to the counselor to get fixed. Go yourself and sort it out with a neutral party, make a plan, and reach across the chasm to restore your relationship - as many times as it takes.

Love like Jesus. Unconditionally. Deliberately. Responsibly. Forsaking self for the best interests of others. You won't do it perfectly but he'll love you anyway, because Jesus loves like a grown-up!

Thinking out loud

The week has been full to overflowing, and my thoughts are sloshing around like water in a bucket so, taking a tip from a fellow blogger, I am going to simply share a list of questions on my mind today, and let you think about them too! Feel free to respond.

1. Why am I surprised when the moon, which has a strong enough pull to move the oceans, also makes
   
   kids crazy?
2. Wouldn't it be nice to know how to predict what will stay with your children and what will be forgotten?
3. How can we integrate more time with nature into everyone's lives? (This thought was provoked by the information that second grade students from Minneapolis and St. Paul just released 75,000 ladybugs in the Mall of America to help keep their plants aphid-free! I love the ideas of ladybugs at the mall!)
4. Why are great gifts of artistry so often accompanied by mental illness or addiction?
5. Do chicks pecking their way out of eggshells or plants bursting out of seeds suffer pain or discomfort? In other words, is all growth accompanied by pain?
6. How can we better control the power of the internalized expectation? (This is provoked by information from a study that says having a college fund, regardless of size, increases the likelihood of college graduation by 45%. We should figure out how to harness this power because we also know that if we expect failure we are also likely to get it!)
7. How do we stop being so "parochial"? Comparing the news reported by the BBC and the news reported by ABC makes me wonder if Nero's "bread and circuses" have arrived in the United States.
8. What do you call the mindset that is neither competitive nor collaborative? Perhaps the word does not exist because the mindset doesn't either? Are there implications for relationships in this?

Sorry for the half-baked ideas. Perhaps one of them will reach completion before next week! In the meantime, send me any insights this generates for you. I'd love to hear your thoughts, stories, or examples.

A Sense of Proportion

As I write this, it has been less than 24 hours since the explosions at the Boston Marathon finish line. The television has kept us abreast of every development, every story of heroism, every tragedy spelled out in gratuitous detail. What do we tell our kids about events such as these?

I was very touched by this meme that popped up all over Facebook almost immediately. I think Mrs. Rogers was a very wise woman. Reminding children to focus on the goodness going on in the midst of the terror helps them get a sense of proportion. There was a bad person who planted explosives at a race, but look at all the good people who are there to help! I think this is a great message to send to your kids. This will not, unfortunately, be the last time you will need to point this out to them. 

Remind them that we can do something to help too; we can pray, even when we are far away. And we can look for things to be thankful for in the midst of the disaster: the kindness of strangers, the emergency workers who know just what to do, the dogs who can find bombs, all the people who weren't harmed. Your list will be different from mine, but it will comfort you and your children to look for things to be grateful for in the midst of a tragedy.

Point out to your children that while this is the only thing on the news, there are many other things going on in the world at the same time. In this particular instance, one large event that went virtually ignored in the news was a major earthquake in Iran. The death toll is expected to exceed one hundred. Those people need our prayers every bit as much as the people of Boston. Help your child understand that the magnitude of media coverage is not a true indication of the importance of an event.

This is also a great time to talk about showing kindness to everyone. Acts of kindness will nearly always earn respect from most people. How many acts of violence are committed by people who have been scarred by abuse or bullying or neglect? If your child is popular, she has the power to influence others to be kind. If your child is picked on and bullied, it is important to help him learn to stand up for himself and to recognize that for every person who bullies him, there are far more who don't. Keeping a sense of proportion is vital. 

Lastly, be sure to model your faith in the midst of a frightening event. Pray with your child for the victims and emergency personnel. Pray for the "enemy." Talk about how we need not fear death because we know there is a new life beyond this one. Share what you believe. Tell your children what gives you courage and peace in hard times. God will use evil to bring good, and one of those good things is an opportunity to share your faith with your children. Faith, not the media, can establish a sense of proportion in the midst of the unthinkable.

Daddy Sang Bass. . .

Sitcoms are filled with references to how mothers influence their children but precious little attention is given to how dads influence their kids. Yet the marks dads leave, even if they are absent, are huge. Fatherly influence is important to both boys and girls and goes way beyond genetics. Here's a very small sampling of ways that fathers influence their children:

• Preschoolers with actively involved fathers have stronger verbal skills.
• Children tend to embrace the food preferences of their fathers.
• Children with actively involved fathers display fewer behavior problems in school.
• Girls with strong relationships with their fathers do better in mathematics.
• Fathers role model what it means to be an adult to adolescent sons.
• A father's presence or absence significantly impacts a child's security.
• Fathers who attend church regularly are more likely to see their children continue in the church as adults.
• A young girl's positive relationship with her father fosters better relationships in the workplace and with authority figures in adulthood.

Sounds like a very tall order! What is an actively involved father? How do we get all these benefits for our kids? Let me propose a ridiculously simple exercise to get you started: Sing in church!

Active participation in church means more than standing up and sitting down at the appropriate times. It means folding your hands and closing your eyes during the prayers, and encouraging your child to do the same. It means singing along with the hymns. Not all of you sing like Blake Shelton or Josh Groban. No problem. Just sing along as best you can, and you will get better. More importantly, your kids will want to sing with you. Reading along with your kids in the hymnal, whispering the meanings of words they don't know, or singing your favorite choruses in the car after church will make a big impression on them. When you don't sing along it says to them that you are not involved, and they will copy you.

What follows is a generalization that will not hold true in every family, but it is still worth thinking about. Most children spend significantly more time with their mothers than with their fathers. This makes a dad an object of greater mystery and interest than a mom who is far more available. Your kids are watching. Intently. They know what you do, and they imitate it.

My mother deliberately taught me a thousand things before I started school, including how to love my kids. My dad taught me to tie my shoes. Guess what I remember in exquisite detail? You got it! Learning to tie my shoes still ranks as a big achievement because it earned my dad's approval.

So sing to the Lord. Sing with gusto and enthusiasm, in tune or out. Sing out your wonder and awe at the amazing child entrusted to you by God Almighty. Someone is watching you.