Close Encounters

I recently read a story about Pope Francis visiting a very modest parish in a poorer part of Rome. The parish had recently built a new sanctuary, and fifteen families are now living in the old space. The story was about the Pope's visit and the homeless families, but one part that grabbed my attention was the interview with the local parish priest, Don Marco Ridolfo. He said, 

“When peoples’ intentions are sincere . . . a parish can become a school in which to learn patience and tolerance, which can be applied outside as well. Examples of enlightened people like Pope Francis help us do away with that cursed temptation to think that if you are a good person, you are alone. And then, because you are alone, you are weaker and you have to stay on guard, so it becomes easier to embrace all those things that hurt you, to let circumstances make you ugly. When you start to understand that there are other people that see things the way you do, who want to live, who want to believe in this kind of life even if it’s difficult, then it’s a completely different thing."

I was really touched by his description of church as a school for patience and tolerance, and by his honesty about feeling alone while trying to be a good person.

I think Don Marco has articulated two very good reasons for raising your kids in a parish or congregation. First, his point about patience and tolerance: The church is a family of equal siblings (all children of God, and equally beloved in God's sight.) As such, it is a great place to practice patience and tolerance. Just as we have to put up with relatives who we would never invite into our lives otherwise, at church we will be expected to learn to love and respect people we would normally avoid. It has become very easy to simply associate with people we like or who share our values. Most of the time we go places in our own cars, riding only with people we like. Most of us (67.9%) live in single family dwellings in households that average 2.6 people in size. We don't have to play well with others in our daily life! So whether you're the weird relative who is tolerated, or the cool relative who is doing the tolerating, your church family will welcome you.

Don Marco's second point about feeling alone as a good person is also very valuable. We sometimes feel that we're swimming upstream in our "goodness." It is tempting to give up on trying to do the right thing and just going with the flow. Assembling regularly with other people who are also trying to be good people is encouraging. It removes our isolation and gives us strength for the journey. It also allows your skeptical kids to see that other people trying to be good people, and to hear those people share their experiences. (Maybe someone cooler than you will inspire your child.)  Don't you want that for your kids?

I know these thoughts may idealize the church, your church, but you can help it be an ideal community by bringing yourself and your kids to take part. Give it a try!

The Listener

They were already at their table when I was seated a short distance away. I barely took note of them until I heard the older one say "Well good on you!" Lover of words that I am, I perked up my ears and jotted down the expression, wondering what part of the country it came from. I turned back to my coffee and list-making but repeatedly found myself eavesdropping on their conversation.

I studied them covertly. It was a young man of about twenty and an older man probably nearing his middle-forties. They didn't appear to be father and son.  Their dress seemed similar. Both were clad in denim and tee-shirts. The older guy wore a baseball cap; the younger one wore glasses and an earnest expression. They clearly didn't know each other well but something drew them together.

The older guy asked a lot of questions:  "How's that pick-up running? Who's this guy you're gonna live with this fall? How old is your little brother now? Is he still in Houston? What are you planning to do when you finish all that studying?" Every answer the young man gave received an affirming response: "That was a good move! There you go, now your mind is starting to work like it needs to. I understand. Great!" Sometimes he asked a question, either to make sure he understood, or to get more information. The young man sat up straighter under all that positive attention. His answers got longer and were punctuated with quick smiles.

I listened through their whole breakfast. I learned, from listening to their exchange, that the young man's father had recently passed away and that the older guy was his dad's friend. When the young man heard that he was getting to be "more like his old man every day" his eyes shone with tears and he grinned with pride and delight.

I don't know who the father's friend was, or how they met, or what their relationship meant to him. I don't know how much time he had spent with his friend's son or who initiated breakfast. What I do know is that when that man took a younger man to breakfast and listened and encouraged and cared about him, he made a difference in the world.

What a remarkable person. He demonstrated every listening skill I have ever been taught: he nodded as he listened, repeated what he heard in his own words to check for meaning, affirmed the speaker, and asked follow up questions. He also used great encouragement tactics: he smiled, nodded, affirmed, talked about what mattered to the other person, remembered stuff from previous situations, and said repeatedly how much confidence he had in the young man. In a final act of generosity he picked up the check. Good on him!

This should not have been a remarkable conversation.  Sadly though, a lot of conversations between people of unequal ages consist of the older one talking and the younger one listening.  When that is the case, the younger one doesn't get to hear words of encouragement and the older one doesn't hear anything new.  It was refreshing to see someone use God-given talents of listening and encouragement with a person who clearly needed it. The young man soaked in the older man's approval and encouragement and at the end he stood taller, like grass after a rain.

Is there someone younger who you could listen to and affirm today?

P.S. According to Google, "Good on you: is Urban Slang; a congratulatory expression to let someone know they have excelled at something.

It Gets Better

Last week people all over the place were posting videos and essays and other means of encouragement for high school kids, telling them that "it gets better". As you undoubtedly know, this began in response to the high number of suicides by gay youth but, gay or straight, high school can be a terrible part of life. Some of us look back on high school days as the most fun years of our lives. I'm not one of them. So I want to add my voice to everyone who says that it gets better.

"It gets better" is one of those incredibly simple facts of life that kids don't have the experience to recognize. And they often don't observe this as a phenomenon because we adults often work very hard at making life look easy. Why is that? I think there are definitely things that kids should be spared, but reality is probably not a good choice. Parents must decide what is appropriate to share, but every parent really ought to share with their kids when they find themselves in a tough spot. This is how kids learn that it does get better. And, when you share with them, it frees them to share when it's not good for them.

Maybe your worst days were in high school. Tell your kid about it. Maybe your worst year of work is this one because everyone at your company is waiting for the next layoff. You will probably make some changes in preparation for the worst, so explain to your kids why everyone's spending is curtailed. Then, when the crisis passes, you will have the chance to say "See! It gets better!" Maybe you have lost a beloved parent or friend - letting your kids see you grieve also lets them see that, over time, it gets better.

It gets better. Three little words of encouragement, a priceless gift. Somewhere, sometime in your life, someone has thrown you some much needed words of encouragement. Somebody said that you could do it; that you were improving; that they were glad to have you on their team. You smile as you think of it. It did get better! You've lived long enough to know this to be true.

There are people who believe that the easiest way to teach a child to swim is to throw them in the deep end of the pool. While struggling to swim enough to survive certainly motivates a kid to try hard, it's a dangerous practice. A kid can drown in the deep end of the pool. It makes more sense to me, to get in the water with your kid at the shallow end and work your way into the deep water, adding more skills as you go. Then, when you let go of your child and she swims to the side of the pool she has a sense of mastery, and a deep inner knowledge that she is getting better. And better.

Look for opportunities to teach this lesson. Your kids, your nieces and nephews or grandkids or neighbor kids all need to hear that it gets better. They don't know it, but you do. This little piece of knowledge can be the raft that holds them up when they are close to drowning. It really does get better. Pass it on!